David Cook, LMFT, clinical manager of ASPIRE, a teen outpatient mental health program at Hoag
Anxiety is more than just feeling nervous. It’s a real and often overwhelming experience that can affect a person’s thoughts, emotions, and even physical health. While it’s incredibly common, anxiety is also profoundly personal, and supporting someone who’s struggling can be challenging. The instinct to comfort is natural, but the words we choose matter.
When a friend or loved one is experiencing anxiety, we often want to reassure them or offer a reminder that everything will work out. These responses usually come from a place of care, but sometimes what we say can unintentionally make someone feel worse.
Here are a few common phrases to avoid—and what you might say instead:
The following are phrases to avoid saying to someone with anxiety:
- “Calm down, it’s not that big of a deal.”
This phrase minimizes the person’s feelings and can make them feel unheard. It also implies they’re overreacting and have complete control over their anxiety.
Instead, try saying, “I can see this is upsetting for you. I’m here with you.” - “Just think positive thoughts!”
This is easier said than done for someone experiencing anxiety. It places an unrealistic expectation on them, leading to guilt or shame when they can’t change their thoughts. - “Is this my fault?”
This shifts the focus away from the person experiencing anxiety and makes it about you. It can also increase their anxiety or cause them to spiral further. - “You’re always anxious.”
Using “always” or “never” language rarely makes people feel heard or understood. It often puts them on the defensive because it’s not accurate. This black-and-white approach doesn’t offer support and places a negative label on someone who may just be having a hard time in the moment. - “I get anxious and stressed too,” or “I’ve also really struggled in similar situations.”
In our programs, we often work with parents who take this approach with their teens or young adults who respond to friends this way. The intention is to connect and show empathy by sharing personal experience. However, the impact can be invalidating, as it shifts the focus from their experience to yours.
The following are effective phrases to use when your friend or loved one is experiencing anxiety:
- “I’m here for you.”
- “Is there anything I can do to help?”
- “I know this is difficult, and you’re not alone.”
- “If you feel comfortable sharing, I’m here to listen.”
- “I understand that you’re feeling anxious.”
- “Is there a coping strategy that might help?”
Focusing on grounding techniques, slowing down breathing, and observing surroundings and senses can also be helpful for someone anxious. Listening patiently, validating their experience, offering unconditional support, and being a calm presence can all help someone reduce their anxiety.
