Asking your child about their day at school can feel like pulling teeth—but it doesn’t have to.
David Cook, LMFT, clinical manager of Hoag’s adolescent mental health program, shares practical strategies for starting meaningful conversations with children and teens.
From asking the right open-ended questions to recognizing when to give them space, these expert insights can help parents build stronger connections and support their child’s emotional well-being.
Why does the standard “How was school?” question often fall flat, and what makes kids clam up instead of share?
The standard “How was school?” question often falls flat with kids because it’s too broad and often asked right as the school day ends—when parents are picking them up. Most kids will default to saying “good” to avoid further questions being asked, even if their day was positive. This approach can feel more like an interrogation than a conversation with expectations to report only positive things that happened during the day.
What kinds of open-ended questions invite children—at different ages—to talk about their day? Can you list some examples for elementary, middle school and high school kids?
Open-ended questions invite more in-depth conversation than the typical, “What did you do today?” or “Did you have a good day?”, which can be answered with one word, effectively shutting down the conversation.
For younger elementary school kids, asking things like “Who did you play with today?”, “What was something fun you did today?”, “What was the hardest part of your day?”, or asking specific questions like “Tell me about the art project you worked on?” can open the door for kids to share.
Middle schoolers might be the most challenging as they are in the identity formation stage of development, which is when they begin to figure out who they are separate from their families. Focusing on questions related to their relationships and interests creates opportunities for conversation. For example, at the beginning of the year you could ask, “Which friends do you have in your classes?”, “Which teacher did you connect with the most?”, or “Was anything frustrating about your day?”.
More specific questions about classes or friend groups are appropriate later in the year.
For high schoolers, inquiring about extracurricular activities, practices, time with friends, and their interests, opens the doors for more communication.
How can parents balance curiosity with respect for a child’s privacy, especially in middle school or high school?
When balancing curiosity and a child’s privacy, looking for non-verbal cues is very important. If you notice changes in your teen’s mood or behavior, it’s appropriate to ask more specific questions about the observed changes. For example, if your teen appears unusually sad or distant it would be appropriate to say, “Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve been a little off this week. How are you feeling? I’m here for you if you’d like to talk.”
If your teen appears more frustrated, you might approach the conversation with, “I’ve noticed you’ve come home frustrated the past few days. What’s causing this change?”
If there are any safety concerns, it’s okay to ask your teen direct questions. It’s also important to consider tone and intent when being curious.
If we approach our teens with a critical voice, or they feel judged by our questions, they will be less inclined to talk about their experiences.
What role does timing play? Are there better moments than right after school to spark a real conversation?
Timing is so important when talking to kids and teens about their day. Imagine coming home from a long day at work where many different situations and interactions occurred. If someone were to immediately ask us “How was your day? What did you do? How are you feeling?” as we stepped through the door, we would probably ask for some space or respond with short answers as we tried to gather our thoughts. The same can be said for our kids.
As parents, we’re often excited to see our kids and check in with them but giving them 30 minutes to decompress beforehand can be beneficial. Checking in at dinner time or when they seem relaxed can open the door to better communication.
How can parents model openness and listening so kids feel safe sharing, rather than interrogated?
How we model conversation is important, especially in the age of technology. If our kids and teens are trying to engage with us, but we’re staring at our phones or computers, we’re missing critical opportunities for connection.
By putting away distractions, facing our kids, making eye contact, and listening without judgment, we are communicating to them that we care and are interested in their lives.
When kids and teens do share with us, validating difficult experiences and not being quick to jump in and share what we’ve experienced are all ways to increase connection.
When parents are quick to share advice or personal experiences, kids and teens can often shut down as it feels like the conversation is shifted away from their experiences and now focused on those of their parents. Parents can practice responding with phrases like, “It sounds like you felt…” or “What I’m hearing is…” to improve connection.
What signs should parents look for that a child wants to talk (or not talk), and how should they respond in each case?
Some signs that indicate a child wants to talk may include smiling, relaxed body posture, laughing, and asking questions.
These are all great opportunities to start a conversation. Some signs that a child may not want to talk include a distant mood, low energy, anger, crying, or being busy with homework or an assignment.
Providing our kids with space creates opportunities for us to follow up, check in, and offer support afterwards.
If your teen is struggling, call us today at 949-557-0077 to learn more about our 8-week resiliency program.
