It’s not always easy for children to express how they’re feeling — especially to their parents. Whether it’s fear of judgment, not knowing how to articulate their emotions, or past experiences of feeling dismissed, some kids may shut down instead of speaking up.
But open, honest communication is essential to a child’s emotional well-being. In this Q & A, David Cook, LMFT, clinical manager of ASPIRE, a teen outpatient mental health program at Hoag, explains how parents can strengthen trust and help their children feel comfortable sharing what’s on their minds by creating a safe, supportive environment and practicing active listening.
Q: What are some signs that a child doesn’t feel safe or comfortable opening up?
A: A child who doesn’t feel safe or comfortable speaking up to a parent might show more obvious signs like shutting down; giving one-word answers when asked about their day; or seeming tense, guarded, or anxious when certain topics arise. More subtly, they might avoid eye contact or quickly change the subject, or you might notice changes in behavior, like irritability, withdrawal, or secrecy. They might also rely heavily on friends or others but not confide in you.
Q: Why might some children hesitate to open up to their parents?
A: Reasons why a child might not open up to parents can vary. Sometimes it might be as simple as they don’t know how to express what they are feeling. But others might be concerned they’ll be judged, punished or misunderstood. They might also think their problems are too small – or big – to bother a parent with. They might also have previously felt dismissed, or their feelings minimized when they shared.
Q: Why is it important to establish clear lines of communication with your child?
A: Children feel seen, heard and supported when their parents display open and consistent communication. This builds trust and gives them the confidence to come to you when something is wrong. It also strengthens the parent-child relationship over time and helps mom or dad better understand a child’s needs, emotions and experiences throughout every life stage.
Q: What can parents do to encourage more open communication?
A: There are a few things parents can do to help children open up. First, be present, available and consistent. Check in regularly without pressure and follow their lead and pace. If they’re not ready to talk, keep the door of communication open. When kids do share, do more listening than talking and put away distractions like your phone or work. This is tough for a loving parent but resist the urge to problem solve immediately and offer advice. Instead, respond with empathy and validate their feelings. Try asking open-ended and expansive questions rather than yes or no questions. Instead of “How was your day?” try “What was the best part of your day?”
Q: When should parents seek outside help?
A: It might be time to seek a counselor or therapist if your child consistently avoids communication; seems emotionally shut down; or shows changes in mood, behavior or functioning. A child with signs of anxiety, depression or self-harm, or one experiencing ongoing family conflict can also benefit from professional help. These trained providers can help restore healthy communication and provide tools for both you and your child.
Learn more about ASPIRE, Hoag’s teen outpatient mental health program.
